Gourmand for Punishment

Tomorrow there is a potluck at work with the theme of Fall foods. I'm going to make my cheese buttons, but also mix in some pumpkin to make them more autumnal. Adding this moisture will require more flour and more leavening. We'll see how it turns out.

The main problem is that I haven't started yet, so I'll be baking into the night, which means less sleep and a grumpier me. Man am I a putz.

Five Years Before

y guess is it was a blog post recapping Warren Buffett's letter to the shareholders of Berkshire Hathaway that planted the seed for the dream that has me up at such an obnoxious hour. His letter mentioned some things he wished his company had not done, and some things it should have done even more.

So following logically from that, I had a dream that took me back five years (of course it is the dream world, where I know it is five years, though I didn't look at a newspaper or ask someone who the President is or any of that cliché time traveler stuff). Aside from knowing I was five years in the past, the only things I remember in the dream are warning an English major that the economy/job market is going to have a downturn, and while it is always a bad time to be an English major, this is like the worst time ever. And a young, thin, bearded, Paul Giamatti was the friend/teacher? of this star-crossed student. The other part of the dream was me and Paris Hilton and her mother shopping in some boutique for Paris' 21st Birthday. I was sort of their personal assistant, and was the only one of the three who had small enough bills to tip the boutique assistant for the free bottle service to sample, in two ounce plastic cups, a fine Champagne we'd gotten in a two pack, (Classy, I know. The two pack was two Champagne bottles in a decorative pink paper gift bag).

My take away from the dream is that I wouldn't change anything. In the dream, I remember thinking, I don't need to tell myself to do anything to change his future. Now that I'm awake, there are some things I'd like to tell my past self, but nothing more than exercise more, Christ hasn't come in five years, and maybe some strategic relationship advise, nothing big.

How about you? Are there some things you wish you could tell yourself five years ago that would change your current life?

The drop cap is from Jessica Hische.

Notebook and Knowing

Once before I've mentioned my little notebook that I write thoughts and shopping lists and words I want to know more about. Well its 50 pages are almost filled front and back, and I've been looking for another. Of course, the canteen at the state developmental center where my mother got the original for less than 50 cents no longer carries it.

At first I scoffed at the gift from my mother, but now as I try to replace it, I realize how very great it is. First is the size, it's 2.5" by 4.25" which fits perfectly in my pocket. Second, it's spiral bound [initially, a white or pink spiral (i forget.) replaced by a black one from work], which is really handy because it stays open and makes it easy to write on each side of the page. Antepenultimately, it started with a pink elastic band that could hold it closed, but that wore out. Fourth, it has a plastic cover which resists wear and tear, though the back cover is regular notebook cardboard and is holding up fine. Finally and most important, it is not ruled. I've found other notebooks that are small, but not others that are small and unlined. The closest replacement I've found is the Moleskine Volant X-Small (any suggestions on which color to get are welcome), but I'm holding out ordering it until I check at my local novelty store, The Bad Robot.

I love that I have strong opinions on what I'm looking for. There is a joy that comes from the confidence of knowing.

Lazy and No Count

Whence discipline?

Please. I need help.

I have plenty of ambition, but the discipline to achieve, I'm bereft.

Many of my readers are of the post-grad variety. I ask where you get the discipline to do the work you don't want to do, but must. Is it the financial burden of Master's and doctoral work that drives, or an innate thing you've had since birth, or the future reward of accomplishment? But those are all motivations, which I think are different from discipline. You see, that is my problem, I can't even provide examples of others' discipline eggs.

Do I just need to get powder milk biscuits?

"Time is tapping on my shoulders."

Alert (Alter) Readers know that I spent about 72 hours last week in a state of beer and cheese.

In my build up to my trip, I spent a lot of time researching brewers and cheesemakers in the area. Frequently on their respective websites, the various companies had descriptions of their beers and cheeses. These descriptions often included how long the item aged.

There are many anecdotes about the prominence of beer in the history of man, from a recipe for beer found in a pyramid in Egypt to the Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer and needed water. A conclusion that beer is integral to civilized people and their society is quickly drawn from said anecdotes. To make beer you must be able to cultivate grain and fashion vessels to age it in. I used to drink this Kool-aid, but I've taken the production of beer and cheese and their relation to society in a different tack.

It isn't milk and grains that make a civilization but the luxury of time. Only after many other things are secure can you invest your nutritional resources into something you won't reap the fruits of until months, maybe years, down the line. In that respect, it is a very faithful venture. Without the hope and faith that your situation will be stable enough to drink your beer after it lagers in a cave for two or three months, you would just make bread with your wheat and yeast and water.

On this eve of Daylight Savings Time, I hope you appreciate the time our civilization has availed us. Time may not be money, but it is still so very valuable.

Temptations

"Whenever I'm asked who makes my dreams real, I say that you do."

So I ask you, "what or who makes your dreams real?"

"A little resolve is what I need now."

A couple weeks ago I reconnected with one of my uncles. He retired from the Army special forces a few years back and works at a Lowe's managing the tools and hardware department. After catching up with what each of us has been up to the last four or five years, he asked me what my goals were.

This took me by surprise a little bit, as it's been a long time since I thought about goals, much less set them. Part of the reason for this is that I've been a "path of least resistance" liver for a while now. Another part of the reason I haven't set any goals is that I'm content. Now, I know that my contentment can easily be identified as complacency, but I'm going to be nice to myself.

While I haven't set goals previously, I am going to, because goals are good. Plus, I think that goals are better than resolutions. Re-solution implies that there is a problem, while a goal says nothing about where you are, but everything about where you want to be.

Excelsior!

Brilliant!

That really sums up the Regina Spektor concert at Sokol Auditorium, opened by Only Son (if you'd like to see one of the songs they performed together during the encore, watch the "Hotel Song" video from an earlier show in Chicago).

My sister, Marcy, has a bunch of pictures of the concert up on Flickr. If you aren't too busy, I like her picture of our kitten Simon, the predator, on her third page of pictures (the sphinxy one is fun too).

But back to the concert, it really was everything I had hoped that it would be. The Steinway was grand, literally and figuratively, Regina was really magnificent, and was a trooper too, fighting off sickness (a fight she was beginning to lose by the time the encore came), and Jack/Only Son had a very fun open, what with his iPodologue and all (that would be when he had a conversation with his iPod).

The last song of the evening was Samson. This was one of her songs that I greatly anticipated. When I heard it at the show, I thought about the burden Delilah had lifted from her Hebrew hero. I know my own experience pales in comparison, but I think I felt similarly to him when I decided it was more important to graduate from Union than it was to graduate from the Honors Program at Union. It was a tremendous relief to eliminate the academic burden I'd probably carried with me since third grade.

Enjoy.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. Mark Twain (probably)

Tonight Dr. John Walker performed at Jones Coffee, my local coffee shop. He is still really great and will have another cd out around September. Another Lincoln music demagogue Terri Jo Dotson did a few numbers with him, and before the night ended Chris Sayre was in attendance too. Anyway I took note of a couple lines. He sings a line in St. James Infirmary about how tough the neighbor hood is: So tough they'll cut off your head and throw it in your face. The other line that struck me was in his Child of God song. "If they ask me who I am, who I am, who I am, I'm a child of God . . ." The line that got me was "If they ask where love is, where love is, where love is, it's in the darkest hour."

This speaks a bit to the interchange Buffy and I had on our MySpace comment boards (you're welcome to spy on us to see the details, my comments are on the second page of her boards). She shared a quote with me about a wisdom not born of sorrow, just joy and questioned the ability of joy to not come from sorrow. I took the stand that joy can exist without sorrow, and that the angels had joy though they had no sorrow. She rebutted that it was a different species of joy. I'm not saying it is the same joy, but joy nonetheless. So that brings us to where love resides. It resides in the darkest hour. I really think this is a very good place for love to reside, because it does the most good here. This isn't to say that love isn't welcome on a sunny day, but it is more than welcome (When I asked Katie what is more than welcome, she wisely answered: wanted.) in the darkest hour.

In lighter matters, Dr. Walker's lab pup is named Muddy Waters. Other dog names I've gathered since last sharing some names are an Australian Shepherd Dog named Keidis (the owner was glad I made the connection with the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers) and a new chocolate lab pup that when I first met her was named Lily (probably with two 'l's they just got her and hadn't written her name yet) but was later changed to Alexis when the patriarch of the family had his say. So who knows what her name is now. I also previously met a brindle grey hound mix named Aries.

For food tonight I had some gouda cheese on a pie crust that I left in the oven a bit too long (too long to use for an actual pie). I was very pleased with myself.

Simplify.

I think the quote from one of those Transcendentalists is actually "Simplify, simplify, simplify." I've always thought that was hilarious. Brilliant really.

I believe it was on the Fourth of July maybe, I was driving on the Interstate nonetheless, it could have been the weekend before. Anyway, I was listening to a Terri Gross Fresh Air interview replay with Paul Simon. Gross asked him if he and his father, who was also a professional musician, ever argued over control of the radio. Paul answered that that wasn't the case, but his father didn't think much of the music Paul liked (do-wop, early pop rock)--he thought it was too simple. Simon then excused his father for not realizing the talent and difficulty in making something simple good.

I previously shared this anecdote with Michael and Ashley. Ashley and I were talking about her and Ben's wedding and its elegance and simplicity which belied the increased effort and difficulty necessary to achieve it. "You want to do what?" was frequently asked of Ashley by the various caterer types.

I was reminded of this as I read through the blog for Bread & Cup {Simple food and drink.} This is a new restaurant that is opening soon in the Haymarket. If you're looking for some interesting reading, I recommend going through the archives. I started in January of this year, but it looks like I only missed his introductory post.

Here are some posts I liked: The Importance of Growing Roses, The Symbol, Serve food we LOVE to make and eat, How to eat at bread&cup. (I got a bit verklempt when he mentioned the chocolate espresso bread pudding.), Carbs (I like his bit about Moderation and Variety at the end.), Beer. They also have a website here.

Road sNot Taken

Or: Your Ice Cream Is Better Than Love

Tonight I had two options for my after My Name Is Earl and The Office tv watching. Option One: Pay five dollars and go to No One Conquered, Wyoming and Sons of Norway at Knickerbockers
Option Two: Pay three dollars and seventy five cents to enjoy a small dish of ice cream at Ivanna Cone while reading their dictionary

I realize I consistently use my discretionary income on ice cream. I don't feel bad about this. I don't know if I'm substituting the company of humans with food or not. Fortunately, I'll have both later this weekend.

Tonight I had Chili Chocolate and Espresso. Combined they made a nice replica of my favorite drink from The Mill, moto mocha. Also on the board was Honey Cornbread (which I've had before and the honey is good, but I'm not one for cake type substances in my ice cream) and Raspberry Sarsaparilla (which they spelt "sasaparila"; they aren't very good spellers, but they make a mean ice cream). I tasted the RS on the way out and it was very good. They also have some Honey Sesame in the freezer for the weekend. It is there because Angela requested it for Klaralyn's arrival this weekend for Kayla's graduation.

Something.

My last blog was mainly a report of events. I'll do some reviewing of said events. I didn't mention that the Black Jack Porter from Free State Brewing (Black Jack Porter: Baltic Porter is a somewhat blended style, popular in the countries bordering the Baltic Sea. It's based on the English Porter style and strongly influenced by Russian Imperial Stouts. The resulting dark ale is stronger and more full bodied than a traditional Porter but doesn't have the intensity of an Imperial Stout. What we have is a rich, malty beer with notes of chocolate and roast malt overtones. The flavor has been mellowed further by conditioning on a blend of French and American oak. Served unfiltered.) was magnificent. It had so much going on, yet it was all taking place in unity. I wish I'd had more than 5 ounces to explore it. One of the favorite porters I've tasted. The other three brews I had weren't that noteworthy.

As for the concert, Travis of the Gym Class Heroes was the desire of 70% of the room, and he knew it. I felt there was too much mugging for the crowd, but their cheers disagreed with me.
In other news, yesterday I got out the bean bag boards for the first time this year. The first bag I threw went in the hole. I've still got it.

As the anniversary of my birth hastens upon me, I feel I'm running out of time. For what, I don't know.

Bear Down.

Bear Down, Chicago Bears. (If you have a challenge, you need to pause and confront it.)

Make every play clear the way to victory. (Each choice you make or act you take contributes to overcoming or succumbing to said challenge.)

Bear Down, Chicago Bears, put up a fight with a might so fearlessly. (Don't be afraid to attack your challenge boldly.)

We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T-formation. (You have had success in the past. It is okay to use that to inspire you to success again.)

Bear down, Chicago Bears, and let them know why you're wearing the crown. (Be proud. Be confident.)

You're the pride and joy of Illinois, Chicago Bears, bear down. (You're not alone. You have a support group that cares about you and your struggles.)

The Chicago Bears that I have rooted for since I was a young lad are playing in their conference's championship game this Sunday. If they win, they get to be part of the TV program that is watched by more people around the world than any other each year.

Make Yourself.

Make Yourself.

What do you think of when you read that phrase? Now hold on to that thought, and we'll get back to it.

I just finished watching The Devil and Daniel Johnston which is rated PG-13 "For thematic elements, drug content and language indicating a sexual reference." Can anyone give me an example or explain what the heck "language indicating a sexual reference" is? It reminds me of the Far Side comic by Gary Larson with a caveman sitting in front of a television and the screen says something like: Caution The Following Program Contains Language.

MPAA warnings aside, the movie is an excellent documentary, in that, as a documentary should, it documents its subject very well. It is helped tremendously by Daniel Johnston's exhaustive cassettes recording much of his life; there are also many home movies he made with his Super 8, including his muse for many of his hundreds of songs. Aside from the slight discomfort from witnessing his manic-depressive behavior, I was oddly compelled by his music. He manages to distill each song into an emotion, a lyric, and a tune. That is all, and while this seems simple, it is the essence of his genius. Each component isn't always great by itself, but they combine wonderfully.

Alright, back to the matter at hand: Make Yourself. I used this phrase once as my Peanut Gallery slogan/motto. I liked the album of the same name by Incubus, and I was fresh off an Early American Lit. class that talked often of the Rugged Individualism (nothing to do with carpet baggers of the same time :) proponed by those late 19th century authors. I also liked the concept that you are responsible for your life and who you are. No "victim t-shirts" allowed.

So that is how I used to interpret the phrase. The problem I've ended up with, though, is that I don't shirk responsibility, but I'm too tolerant and accepting with my condition. I'm kinda like George W. Bush in that way; I take responsibility for getting in the war, but that doesn't make it a good thing. So my new take on the phrase is "make yourself" the imperative, force yourself. I hope to find some willpower and internal motivation in this revised reading. Wish me luck.

The Forecast

Radio today said the overnight forecast was a strong north wind and a low in the mid-20s. What a coincidence, I too seem to be experiencing a low in the mid-20s.

Some names that caught my eye recently: Carlos Ibietatorremen, Iliganoa Matau, and Sonia Treubevan. I really like the sound and mouth feel of the last one. Any Spanish speakers have a translation for the apellido of the first name?

I'm out.

Cadmium Yellow . . .

The colour of disappointment, according to Stephen Colbert. (After a two week hiatus, TDS and the Report are back and good as ever.)

It has been a while since I web logged, and I thought I would indulge my faithful readers with something new.

I have a "quote-a-day" calendar that doesn't have the day of the week, just the date, which is great because I can use it year after year (which I have for the past two and a half.) My quote today was:

Remember,your tongue is in a wet place: It's likely to slip.

With football season starting, NFL and college coaches and players have regular press conferences, in addition to radio, in-game, and newspaper interviews. This is a lot of talking, and with the tongue being in such a wet place, there are many opportunities for slippage.

I have a plan if ever given (or earning) a measure of celebrity that includes people caring what I have to say. I would like to have a mission statement at the beginning that says: I'm going to say stupid things that might offend people, but I'm not really sorry. If you take offense at what I have to say, you really need to put my words in perspective and realize that my words and thoughts aren't that harmful.

I feel this way because I've never understood the damage done by racist or politically incorrect statements. How does the late ordained Minister of Defense, Reggie White, affect the Asian community by commending them for their ability to put a computer into a watch, or the Hispanic community for their great family structure? How does stereotyping through words hurt people? I can understand that a comment like Fuzzy Zoeller's about Tiger Woods choosing fried chicken for the opening Masters Tournament dinner (the previous year's winner chooses the menu) reveals a prejudice that may affect decisions and actions. But judge, if you must, based on actions, not thoughts. Personally, I am honest with myself and recognize my racial prejudices, but I don't run around committing "hate" crimes (This is a whole nother web log. Let's just say I agree with South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.). I think that I treat my coworkers based on their performance and not their racial or cultural identities. I'm curious what you think. Thank you for reading to the end.

Not Fit for Human Consumption.

Lacking Human Growth Hormone. Contains artificial additives, including but not limited to minutia, prejudices, preconceptions, and procrastination tendencies.

I think this sums me up a bit now.

Everyonce inawhile, I think that it might be nice to be in a more serious relationship, even a marriage. And then I think some more and realize I'm not ready for one, and I don't really know when I will be. I'm fairly juvenile, not a mature adult. I am secure in admitting this, better to be a bit honest than a bit deluded.

Granted it is difficult to observe my own maturity objectively, and I really haven't been in a lot of situations (or at least I don't think I have) that have tested my maturity. Still, I think I have plenty of arranging and identifying to do in my own life before I bother sharing it with someone else.

Answers and More Part One

I thank all who commented on my Another Try post. Your comments and concerns are very appreciated. I hope to address some of the latter here.

I realize I don't live in a vacuum. I know that I have family and friends that are interested in what I believe and think, especially when those beliefs and thoughts are in conflict with their own. I might have mentioned this before in a follow-up comment, but I want to reiterate that my beliefs don't derive from any of my experiences with other Christians, and actually if they did, I'd probably be finishing up in the Seminary right now. I have many friends and family members whose faith in Christ I admire, and envy. BUT I don't think God wants me to believe based on others, but from my own thoughts and experience with Him.

Since my last post on this topic, I've been reading again from Clive Lewis' Mere Christianity, namely book two What Christians Believe. Page 52 at the end of chapter 3 in that book:
I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him( Christ):'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic--on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg--or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a man or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at his feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronising nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.

I agree. So instead of going with what I said earlier about Jesus being a great moral teacher. I'm going to have to go with one of the other two choices.

Page 55: We are told that Christ was killed for us, that His death has washed out our sins, and that by dying He disabled death itself. That is the formula. That is Christianity. That is what has to be believed.

That is not what I believe.

Terri wanted to share 1 John 5 with me. Verses 1 and 5: Whoever believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves him who begot also loves him who is begotten of Him.
5 Who is he who overcomes the world, but he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?

I believe the first verse says if you believe Jesus is the saviour you are born of God and also that if you love God you also love Jesus, and yourself since you are born of God if you believe Christ (a bit circular). And as for the fifth verse, I'm not really looking to overcome the world.

Jeff made some good points and asked some good questions which I'll try to do justice to now. LOVE. I agree with you Jeff and thank you for your perspective. It makes sense that God, who is unchanging, would have love that is also unchanging. I guess the pill I have a hard time swallowing is that the Crucifixion is the best manifestation of that love.

I've been working on this post since Tuesday, I'll give you what I have now and be assured I'm not done. Til part two. TTFN

Dale Vassantachart

Another Try

Alright, I'm gonna save this draft every other sentence.

I mentioned plenty about what I don't believe or know, now for some of what I do.

Angela said that he loves me. This I know. As I was thinking about the Cross, I tried to find some loophole that didn't require Jesus to die to cover our sins (much like I'm eager for evidence that the "Spirit of Prophecy" isn't or doesn't have to be Ellen White.) After coming up empty there, I thought about why God sacrificed his son. It is because he loves us and wants to have us live with him forever, so much that even if no one accepts his gift, he still gives it. Which love is greater, requited or unrequited? I'm guessing that the love that is rejected is greater. What makes us worthy of God killing his son for us? His love. We are valuable because God loves us. Here is where I depart. I find his love quite literally pathetic. I have a hard time respecting a God that kowtows to measly humans like a puppy. Our value comes from God's love, but his love is greater if we reject it? I don't believe I get my value from who loves me. I believe any value I have comes from who I am, what I'm capable of doing, thinking, and becoming.

Jeremy Birge

O' Connor Monte Cristo, Zombie Ukrainian, Todd Rundgren, Gander, Letters to be written, Rick Ocasek, Stephen Colbert, Bucket, "my brother's kids," Dave Grohl dental work. As you can see, I have a lot to get through. Settle in.

As Nat X would say,"It is now 4:49 in the AM." I woke up at 3, and then after dreaming for a while (don't eat half a Monte Cristo before bed) about DAA and a bunch of people from the class behind me like Mike Hellman, Leslie Weidell, Seth Clark, and James Schumacher (recent MySpace addition), I know where it began, which is saying a lot because much, as you can see, has followed.

After my dream, I realized how much I don't trust Leslie Weidell, diabetic PK mountain-biking hottie that he is. I don't trust him because he, and by extension the rest of those enrolled at DAA in 1998, betrayed me in that year's Student Association elections. At one point, I was the only candidate for Spiritual Vice-President. Then after the deadline for submission of petition to become a candidate, the SA officers of that year allowed Leslie Weidell to join the race. They had to do this because the previous year Jeremy Birge, Sgt. at Arms for that administration, was allowed to join the race after the deadline the previous year. That year, many agreed this was a good thing because I don't think we liked who he was running against (I think it was Dusty Kirschmann, ask Scott for clarification). In hindsight, I guess I was also loathed like Dusty. Back to the election, Scott said that it was between the guy who prayed in guy's dorm worship and the guy who exposed himself during it. So I lost the election. In the previous year's annual, Pastor Gary (Burns) wrote: Daniel, You have great potential as a spiritual leader. Leadership is not limited to an office. It's a full-time-who-you-are thing. God Bless! PG I agree with him, but mandate from the people sure does help. In the year of the election his comment included: Sometimes your agenda and God's agenda get a little confused. Allow God to give direction. Give him permission to do His work in your life, and you will be glad.

I guess this was the beginning of my disillusionment with spirituality and religion. I know I was a stupid 17 year old kid, but it happens. Part of the reason for the impact this event had on me is that I've always associated community and religion. This is the only reason I go to church now (when I actually go), for the community. So when the community rejected me as a spiritual leader, it was difficult.

So that covers the feelings I got from my dream. After I woke up, I thought about what I could do with my time, seeins as I had the whole morning ahead of me. One of my options was to write a letter. I haven't written in a while, so I thought I might open with Todd Rundgren's "Hello, it's me. I've thought about us for a long, long time." Todd has been in my mind for a while since he was put on Stephen Colbert's "On Notice" board by Rick Ocasek (Rick was on the show as a resident limnologist because in a music video he, like Jesus, walked on water. Colbert put The Journal of Paleolimnology on notice because of an article proposing that Christ walked on a chunk of ice in the Sea of Galilee, and gave Rick the option to put someone up there too.) I realize why he was Ocasek's choice. I was also wondering why two ds. This got me thinking of other Todds and Todd Flanders came to mind, from the Simpsons. "Hens love roosters. Geese love ganders. Everyone else loves Ned Flanders." This ditty was the first time I realized that a gander was not a group of geese, which I figured it was since people say "What is good for the goose is good for the gander." when they mean what is good for one is good for all.

One more ramble. This morning as I sat down to the computer, I saw the lid to my honey bear on the computer desk. As I took it back to its home, I saw my honey bear all messy on the kitchen counter. SERGEY!!! is responsible for this. He came home tired from watching the boiler. I guess he wasn't too tired to make a mess he didn't clean up. Silly zombie Ukranian. As Billy Bob Thornton said in Tombstone, "It's like playin' with my brother's kids."

PS In the Foo Fighters video "Best of You," Dave Grohl, lead singer and former drummer of Nirvana, sings into a microphone with a majority of the video a close up of this. I wonder if the premium shots of his teeth allow him to write-off for taxes his dental work.